Farts! Not always the dog’s fault!

Farting!  Popping off!  Chocolate air biscuits!  Stinkers! Whatever disgusting name you call the passing of normal human gaseous waste! Be daring – use all 260+ names listed under ‘fart’ on urbandictionary.com (Note from Author: urbandictionary.com is a funny but fact-less, and totally whacky website providing absurd meanings for everyday words and phrases. Caution! Please avoid urbandictionary.com if you can’t stomach any brash humour.) Actually you better avoid reading this whole post about farts if you have a more delicate persuasion! Either that or just hold your breath while you read ahead!!!

Just kidding! Breathe again please!

I write this post after enduring two hours being totally fumigated by ‘Zed’ my French Bulldog. The sweetest, cutest, most smelliest canine alive today!  Incidentally Zed is tonight sleeping outside in his kennel under the verandah. Far away from me and my laptop! (*phew*)

Zed farted a lot today! More than usual, hence why he’s sleeping outside tonight. (By the way, the weather tonight in Perth, Western Australia, is a mild 19 degrees Centigrade so all you animal lovers can relax! Zed’s fine! Smelly, but fine!)

Every time Zed farts, he stops, turns his head towards his bottom, wiggles his nose, takes a sniff, and winces at his own toxic smell! Then he lies back down or continues walking as if nothing’s happened. Amusing! Actually,  I’m not telling the whole story. Sometimes when Zed farts while he’s near by, he automatically goes to his floor-mat without even one command from me. Zed’s learnt that when he farts – he must immediately leave my lap or the couch and go to his mat!!!!

If only humans were that well trained!!!!!!!

Besides lying about our ages, farting is the next most common thing people tell lies about! How do you cover-up a fart? Do you pretend it wasnt you?  Maybe blame the dog?

“Hey did you fart?”

“Nope! It was the dog!”

We even have stupid sayings for farting,”He who smelt it – dealt it!” And the timeless, “Elvis has left the building!”

Farts are awkward!  Who hasn’t farted at the wrong time and in the wrong place? During quiet movie scenes? While a nurse changes your bandages? Inside that stuffy, crammed elevator? Reaching for your ankles during yoga? Lying face down and half-naked on the massage table? I bet there’s many more embarrassing scenarios!

But my final question on this sensitive topic is: During THE most embarrassing moment ever, who can we blame if we accidentally fart while having sex???

Certainly NOT the dog!!!!

 

By Monica Jakovich

Become a Possible Being.